A constant struggle

I just watched the Indian Stepmom remake 'We are Family.' My sister saw it earlier today and reminded me about watching it. I cried my ass off!! I do not cry much but when I watch sappy Indian movies, I cry and immensely enjoy doing so. It's a great movie; very subdued and the emotions felt real.
It made me start thinking again about the things our mothers do for us and how they give up so much for us. I complain about my mother and bicker with her night and day. I cant change it; I'm too used to it. I constantly think about her all day. What she's going to say or yell at me for. I also sometimes wonder what life would be like without her. 
I remember when my mother used to force me to pray tarawih at the mosque during the month of Ramadan, I'd huff and puff and go. I went on and on about how this won't count because I'm doing it for her and not Allah. Some days though I'd sit near near her and secretly look at her face. It felt like the saddest and most pure face I ever seen. it's the few times she lets go of her tough face that she keeps to keep everything in her life altogether. it's the few times where i let go of my own selfishness and just want to give in and do things her way. 
I don't want to feel guilty for not being there for her enough or being a replacement because no one else is by her side. I've done it for a long time , now I want to find my own life now and figure out what is important to me. I have a lot of growing up to do, and I need the space to do so. 
Yet, its a constant struggle between doing what I want and doing what she wants. I'm not perfect, I hope some day she accepts me just like that. I also know she will never stop trying to make me a better person or give up on me.